I’ve got to trust God more than fear

Right now, since about a week back, I find myself deep in a tremendous challenge. I know I need to trust God more than the fear, but boy o boy, what a challenge that is right now.

I can’t see the path before me

Something old is dying within me. Something new is emerging. I have been here many times before. So I know that is what is going on.

In the midst of this transformation, where the old version of who I am is dissolving and the new and expanded version is emerging– there is great confusion. Great turmoil.

Old structures in my life are literally dissolving before my eyes. In perfect alignment with my vision, none of my doing.

Doors that used to be wide open are not closing, dissolving as I am looking at them. Where there used to be plenty of opportunities, there are none.

Of course other doors are being opened wide, new opportunities are arising, but not where they used to be. But along new directions.

The ego seeks to dissuade me from moving forward

The ego, which clings to the old, the small and the limited – is fighting hard to keep me from moving forward.

It desperately wants me to turn my attention toward the closing doors, the vanishing opportunities. And it wants me to react from that – with fear, with worry, with doubt.

The ego wants me to not pay attention to the new that is emerging, the new openings, the new opportunities, the new life that is emerging.

And honestly, right now, the ego is doing a pretty good job. I can’t see the path before me. Even the vision I have caught for my life is hardly discernable to me. I glimpse the new that is emerging, yet my attention is constantly drawn to that which is closing, that which is vanishing.

It’s like I am walking blindfolded on a tiny rope high on up in the sky. I am balancing a knife’s edge between fear and trust.

I have no idea how to get to where I am headed, but as I don’t want to go back to where I used to be I can’t but keep moving.

Staggering in the darkness, in the direction I was headed before the lights went out.

With my hands out before me to feel my way along the path.

On the surface there is only fear, no trust

I am wrapped in fear. I may be mistaken, but I can’t recall ever experiencing this much fear.

It is like I am wearing both a cloak and goggles made out of fear. Where I used to see mostly opportunities and blessings, I now see mostly obstacles and disasters.

Where I used to be able to see the world through the eyes of God – now all I see only through the eyes of the ego.

Eyes, that see no beauty. That see no Love – only fear, only darkness.

I am wrapped and shrouded in darkness, making trusting God and Life very difficult for me.

Underneath the fear, there is only God

Yet, whenever I come back to the nowness of the moment, there is something else underneath. When I am by myself, in stillness, without outer distraction – I feel God within me.

It is a battle, yet I know that the battle was won a long time ago.

For all the fear that is raging on the surface, underneath it I know that it is done. I know that I am going to get through this challenge.

I know that God is always for me, that everything is working for my good. Whenever I become still enough I don’t even have to remind myself of this. Because I know it.

I have learned that lesson. Now it is time for me to learn another lesson.

It is all I can do to stay come back to the nowness of the moment

And so, on the surface there is turmoil. Within there is only calm and serenity. The great challenge that I am facing is turning within – becoming still enough to go to the place where I most easily find God.

My ego is constantly seeking to pull my attention toward the surface appearance. It seeks to lure and trick me into giving in to fear. To abandon trust.

And so it is a tug of war between the frantic thoughts of lack and scarcity and the calm serenity. A tug of war between the surface and the depth. Between time and the eternal.

I know I have to come back to the nowness of this moment as much as I can. I know that the answer does not lie in time or on the surface, but in the Holy Now.

That is where the answer to every challenge lies. In the sweet embrace of the Holy Now – where consciousness may expand rather than contract.

It is only in the nowness of this moment that I am open and available enough to receive the guidance I need to keep moving forward.

But, man, how hard it is to go there right now.

God, help me trust you more than fear

There have been moments when all I could do was to ask God, the angels, and my guides to help me.

I know that they cannot interfere unless I ask them for help and so I have been in my car (which is where it is easiest for me to come back to the Holy Now), doing nothing but asking for help.

Not for them to resolve the situation, but for them to help me see the world through the eyes of God. That I may see only Love, Light, beauty, abundance, blessings, opportunities, and the Divine order.

I ask God to help me keep my vibration high. I ask God to help trust God more than fear.

And as God is forever answering our prayers, it usually does not take more than a few moments until I feel God moving through me, lifting my vibration, expanding my vision.

Then, it usually doesn’t take long until I am back in time, back in battling the ego.

And so it goes, back and forth.

What is my lesson here?

As every challenge is a lesson, a way for God to prepare me for the next iteration of who I am, even this is a lesson.

But what is my lesson here? Well, as far as I have caught it and become aware of it, it is about me needing to strengthen my presence muscles.

I need to learn to be even more anchored in the Holy Now than I have been before. Because it is from there everything else emerges and radiates.

I know that the sacred laws respond to my predominant vibration. To what I feel the most and so I need to learn to come back to the Holy Now on an even more regular and constant basis than I have before.

To remain in a high vibration even when I am going through challenges and am experiencing fear, worry and doubt.

That means making my spiritual practices an even higher priority; meditation, affirmative prayer, sacred service, studying, and high fellowship.

It means choosing to come back to the nowness of this moment to an even greater extent than I have been so far.

That I may allow and embrace that which is to be as it is, while not get stuck at the level surface appearance – but still be in touch with that which is True and Real.

Because it is only there, anchored in the Holy Now that I may see heaven, above and beyond the world of effects.

It is there grounded in the nowness of this moment that I may see beyond and above my present circumstances.

The old is dying the new is emerging

Right now, the old is dying, it is disintegrating, right before my eyes. A part of me wants to cling to it, to keep it near as I know that world, I know that experience.

However, the still small voice within me guides and urges me to let go. It whispers to me to release the old, that the new may emerge.

So, another way of describing my lesson here is that I am to learn to trust God, trust Life, moe than I have ever done before.

And so I continue

And so, I keep moving forward. Every day, I am taking steps in the direction I know I once was headed.

The Light is gone before my eyes, but I remember where it used to be and so I keep walking in that direction.

I seek to come back to the nowness of this moment that I may catch guidance as to what inspired action I may engage in.

There is only sacred order, I have my vision, I have my marching orders. And so I keep on moving on.

I continue. Forever seeking to allow the small and the limited to dissolve and for the new and expanded to emerge.

I breathe, I receive, and I give thanks

At times all I can do is to breathe, just to keep me in out of time. Just to keep the ego at bay – with its opinions and judgments.

I breathe and I receive. Allowing the breath to anchor me in the Holy Now – that I may see through the scales before my eyes. Scales colored with fear, worry, and doubt.

And I give thanks. As much as I can, for everything. Because I know that God is forever for me, never against me. I know that everything is working for my good.

Even when I am too blind to see it. And so I give thanks, that the good that is here may be revealed to me.

It is such an adventure to be alive, to be waking up, to be on this journey. I wouldn’t be without it for all the world, even when my world is in utter turmoil.